Welcome to a “tune-up.” As we ascend, heal, and grow, we take on so much new information that we can sometimes get a little “rusty” on the basics. We forget that the most natural parts of our practice—like holding space—require a regular refresher to keep our containers clear.
Holding space is the conscious act of being present with a person’s truth without judgment, without the desire to fix, and without attempting to control the outcome. It is a Sacred Exchange: creating a temporary, intentional container where the soul can speak without being interrupted by the ego.
The Discernment: Choosing Your Witness
Before we talk about how to show up for others, we have to talk about who is worthy of showing up for you. As you change, your “muscle memory” might try to take you back to people who held space for you two years ago, but they may no longer be the right fit for the version of you that exists today.
When choosing your witness, look for these markers:
The Regulated Mirror: Do they have a steady nervous system? We all have moments of being “emotionally sunburned” (like during a heavy Aries Stellium), but is this person in constant crisis? If they are always putting out fires, they won’t be able to stay neutral when you share your depths.
A Track Record of Silence: Look for those comfortable with quiet. Those who need to fill every gap in conversation are often too anxious to sit with your complexity.
The Consent Seeker: Do they ask, “Is this a good time? I’m going through something” before dumping their weight? A person who respects their own boundaries is much more likely to respect yours.
The Non-Hijacker: Beware of “competitive suffering.” If you have a cold and they “have the flu,” they are taking space, not holding it. However, differentiate this from the Affirmer—the person who shares a story to let you know you aren’t alone.
The Experience Devaluer: Avoid those who use what they want to devalue what you’re suffering through. (Like the “best friend” who, while I was suffering through a malicious marriage, looked at her phone and said, “At least you have a man.”) If they can’t be there for you when you’ve been there for them, take note.
The Sacred Vault: Holding space requires a leak-proof container. If someone consistently gossips or shares the “tea” of others’ private struggles with you, they have already shown you their lack of containment. If they can’t keep a secret for others, their heart cannot be a vault for yours.
The 7 Pillars of Presence
1. Drop the Fixer: Trusting the Inner Blueprint
Advice-giving robs a person of their agency. Trust that their soul has a blueprint for its own healing. You aren’t the architect; you are providing the job site.
Internal Mantra: “I’m not here to solve this for you, but I am here to stand with you while you do.”
2. Generous Silence: The Womb of Revelation
We often speak to soothe our own anxiety. Silence is where the profound work happens.
The Technique: Use the WAIT acronym—Why Am I Talking? Count to five after they finish speaking. The “real” truth usually comes out in that second wave.
3. Energetic Boundaries: The Screen Door Visualization
Don’t fear taking on their pain. Imagine a screen door between you. It allows the fresh air of empathy and the light of connection to pass through, but keeps the “bugs” (the heavy trauma debris) outside.
Practical Tip: Use Geranium oil on your pulse points to keep your energy flowing and “others’ stuff” at bay. Remind yourself: “I am the honored guest on this journey, not the owner.”
4. The Judgment-Free Zone: Becoming Shock-Proof
True safety is being able to say the “ugly” thing—the rage, the jealousy, the hopelessness—and having it met with a steady gaze.
Watch Your Micro-expressions: If you gasp or look horrified, the container collapses.
Response: “It makes sense that you would feel that way given what you’ve been through.”
5. Following the Lead: The Michael Beasley Principle & The Ugly Cry
A vital part of following the lead is respecting the flow of the release. In a powerful interview on Club Shay Shay, Michael Beasley told Shannon Sharpe: “…if I cry a little, just act like you don’t notice.” This is a masterclass in holding space. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do when someone begins to weep is to simply let them be. Stopping to offer a hug or a “there, there” can actually slow down the process of release. When we are processing, we need to push through the tears, let the voice crack, and let it get ugly. That “ugly” side of processing is the only way to reach the beautiful side.
Self-Advocacy: Know that you have the right to tell your witness, “Don’t hold me yet; I need to get this out.” In my office, I hand you tissues, but I don’t offer a hug unless you ask—because your release is sacred, and I won’t interrupt it.
6. Ego Check: Relinquishing the Spotlight
Avoid the “Me Too” bridge trap. If you share an anecdote to show they aren’t alone, keep it under 30 seconds and immediately redirect: “That was my experience, how are you seeing this?”
7. The Clean Exit: The Somatic Release
Holding space is a physical act. Your body stores the resonance.
Ritual: Wash your hands/face with cold water, shake out your limbs, or put your feet on the actual Earth (Earthing). I love cold water on the back of the neck—it’s a reset for where “attachments” can enter.
Naming the Pain: Throat Chakra & Collective Healing
When someone is able to put words to their pain—especially in a public or group setting—it is healing for everyone witnessing it. So many people are hurting, but can’t point to where. They’ve spent lifetimes disguising their pain. When we process out loud, we are doing Throat Chakra work—releasing the restrictions and “Soul pain” from this lifetime and previous ones.
This is one of my favorite Throat Chakra meditations that I often recommend to my clients. However, I’ve done some deep work on myself by doing 60+ minutes of Throat Chakra seed mantra chants. Although the deepest work on my throat chakra was done during Reiki sessions. Once I released lifetimes of throat chakra concerns, I was better able to process my pain and write my first book, Everything But a Smile.
Self-Care & The Maintenance Loop
Sustainability vs. Reactive Fixing
“Reactive fixing” happens when we haven’t tended to our own peace. We try to “rescue” the other person because seeing their pain makes us too uncomfortable. Maintenance is the daily, unglamorous work of grounding, protective prayers, and chakra alignment so you can sit with discomfort without it becoming your emergency.
Nervous System Hygiene
Your nervous system is your primary tool. It requires “tool sharpening” through nature, silence, and sensory deprivation (no screens) for at least 15 minutes a day.
The Internal Boundary
A “Yes” born of guilt is a polluted gift. It is an act of high integrity to say, “I love you, but I don’t have the capacity for this conversation right now.” Being a spiritual woman doesn’t make me less human—I still wear my thigh-high boots and mini skirts, and I still have limits.
Sources & Deepening the Wisdom
Heather Plett: The Art of Holding Space: The foundational framework for “non-judgmental witnessing.”
Stephen Porges: Polyvagal Theory: Scientific grounding for “nervous system regulation.”
Peter Levine: Waking the Tiger: Importance of somatic release (shaking limbs).
The WAIT Method: Improving active listening.
Club Shay Shay: Shannon Sharpe interviews Michael Beasley: A powerful example of self-advocacy: “If I cry a little, just act like you don’t notice.”
Holding space is not about doing something to someone. It is about being someone with someone.
Stay grounded, stay present, and stay clear.
With love and Alignment,
Aether Candace
